Harry Potter meets Animal House in this magical comedy about a school crazier than any other!
Richard "Vegas" Beltran is an underachiever. That’s bad for any student, but it’s especially bad when you go to a wizardry school. Black Magic is something to be taken very seriously, but Vegas has been caught smoking “eye of newt” in the boys’ bathroom, and all of his bubbling cauldrons seem to contain ice and alcohol…
The principal, Professor Diaz, is ready to drop Vegas into a slower-paced magic class. But Vegas would rather die, Houdini-style, in a botched escape act than have to suffer through “remedial magic.” After all, Vegas only came to Absolution High, school for the “Special Sciences,” to learn a spell that would bring his girlfriend, Katherine, back from the dead.
Unfortunately, now that his tuition's been paid, he finds that resurrecting the dead is an act of Godslaughter—a forbidden form of magic—and at Absolution Academy, an illegal activity.
But “illegal” is a funny word…and one among many that Vegas doesn’t know the meaning of…
How about a peek:
There were only a few lights on in the hallways, but other than that, the coast was clear. The adrenaline was pumping in Vegas's body and, in a way, he felt awesome. Exhilarating! It probably wasn't good that he got such a rush from being bad, but it was what it was. He pulled a beer out of the pouch of his hoodie, cracked it open and started chugging it. More awesome! He knew there had to be security cameras mounted up all over the dormitory, especially the little lounge area with the big screen TV. Magicians were known for stealing, right? As if half of magic isn't about making expensive shit disappear. The guards were probably half-asleep or jerking off to videos of the girls’ volleyball practice. Either way, he prayed they'd be too preoccupied to care what he was up too. Once he got outside, though, there would be other problems. The Tommy Walkers were being placed around the school grounds. He remembered what Wesley had said about them being created to restrict unauthorized magic. Those Illuminati death machines were made just for bad little monkeys like Vegas.
He felt the nice cool air blast his face as soon as he opened the heavy double doors. The cold of this island was something a California boy like Vegas was not yet accustomed to. But, as he wandered around the back end of the dormitories, he admitted that the Menzai nights were even more beautiful than the California nights. The sky was filled with stars and they seemed almost close enough to reach for. He'd been on earth for sixteen years, but night and day was still an amazing concept for him.
He wanted to break into Allen Allens’ lab, but he had to make it halfway across campus to do so. The box carrying Vladimir was clutched to his chest as he snuck around the back. He saw the guard station and ducked behind a tree. Dwight was inside the booth fast asleep. Vegas wanted to conjure up a spell to mess with him a little, maybe hex him a nice wet dream starring Barney, one of the other guards. Shenanigans like that would have to wait though. Vegas was on an important mission. He was gonna have to go stealth ninja mode and creep his way across campus.
"So I creep…yeah-aah. Just keep it on da down low…" Vegas sang the old T.L.C. song silently to himself, running and ducking behind another tree. "Nobody is supposed to know...yeah-ah…"
He shot from that tree and dived behind another. He went a little go hard and almost crushed Vladimir's box underneath him. Pushing twigs and nature crap out of his way, Vegas heard a low grumbling as he started crawling on the ground like a marine.
Yeah, we're effin' pumped! Absolution Academy security probably didn't call for this much stealth warrior-ness, but the Corona he'd been sipping was making Vegas action ready. Let's milk this adventure for all it's worth!
"Yeah, I CREEP…yeah-ah, so Dwight won't know what I do..." Vegas continued as he moved through the darkened grass. The grass felt moist, cool and amazing against his skin. He imagined that the bright, white lights shining from poles around the campus were moving, searching for him. They weren't; nobody cared. But this was fun; he was a big kid using his imagination, running around in the grassy night world like he was trying to escape from prison.
A squirrel darted out at him, and Vegas let out a surprised scream. The little furry jackass landed on his back, ran down his ass between his legs and then shot straight ahead, flying up a tree at sonic speed.
"Little fucker!" Vegas shouted at it. Even the wild life in this place was psycho.
"Creeping through the grass, squirrelly seems to like my ass..." Vegas rapped. "Squirrelly wants some nuts, what a kick! It's late on a school night, he wants to get romantic!"
He laughed, wondering how much he'd get paid to ghost write for Waka Flocka Flame, when something suddenly grabbed hold of his leg.
What the Fuck?! He let out a fart from pure excitement as another hand reached out of the ground and took hold of his neck.
"Aaaaaahhhhhh!!" Vegas yelled, struggling to pull himself up. Before he could break free, two more hands grabbed his shoulders, pulling him back down to the grass and dirt.
"DWIGHT! DWIGHT!" Vegas yelled. The hand around his throat squeezed tighter, but it couldn't get a strong enough grip to stop Vegas from yelling. Not that it made much difference; Dwight was in the security booth, napping away, as Vegas's nighttime assault continued on the security cam in front of him.
Vegas pulled his neck away from the hand. "DWIIIIGGHT!!!"
His attention turned to the spot in front of him, his green eyes growing wide as saucers, when two hands, one male and one with bright nail polish like a girls, sprouted from the ground like corn stalks. He watched as the arms reached four feet tall and continued to grow.
Frozen in shock, Vegas's eyes rolled up to gaze at the sprouting hands. Like sunflowers in a nightmarish inverse world, they remained high above him, illuminated by the moonlight. The fingers spread and easy, like flower petals.
Then, they bent at the elbow, palms slapping the ground. Whatever this creature was, it was trying to pull itself out of the dirt.
Please somebody, shoot me in the head! Gouge out my eyes! I don't want to see this! He silently begged.
The horror flushed all thoughts of escape away as the soil in front of him moved and pulled apart. A human head unearthed itself, its black, hollow eye sockets turned to face Vegas. Mort immediately came to Vegas's mind, except this cadaver was so much more terrible. There was intelligence behind those eye sockets that couldn't be driven by anything but pure evil.
The creature finally made it out of the soil only to reveal its true form. It wasn't a rotting, smelly corpse after all---it was several rotting, smelly corpses all sewn together to make a Zombie Spider!
The arms that sprouted out of the ground were the creature’s long, spider legs. Its head was stitched onto the front of its body, barely erect, but able to turn and move around. Its abdomen was made of two human ones sewn together.
Vegas had never seen anything so disgusting in his life, not even in his drunken wet dreams. It was more than he could handle, and he began to feel a strange calm wash over him. By the time he realized he was about to pass out, there was nothing he could do to sto-...
The zombie spider moved towards Vegas as the unseen monster that had snared the boy began to pull him under. The earth rumbled again as the soft soil spread apart like water. And Vegas, trapped in the quiet dark of his unconsciousness, went down, down, down. As if being dragged to hell.
Li Chaka is spends her time dreaming about drunken wizards, music obsessed necromancers and Bill Murray movies (Ghostbusters 2 being the FAV!). Sometimes she writes down these strange ideas just for her own enjoyment. Then she heard that some people actually make MONEY off of writing and selling their strange ideas. Lord have Mercy! Will wonders ever cease !? Magic School U.S.A is her first published book but it won't be her last.
Purchase a copy at: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CF8NPD4
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